Ren'Py First game script writing tips / feedback request

[kittytrainr]

Hi, I'm doing my first game and I'd highly appreciate feedback and tips on the writing I've done so far. Negative/constructive feedback is great.

I'm trying to keep the game as small as possible, so there is no world-building and the whole story should last a weekend.

For context the game setup is "You and your wife (relationship changeable to 'roommate', etc) had a bet that she couldn't last a month with a chastity belt on. After a week of non-stop winding her up, she concedes defeat and begs using the release clause - you going on a weekend trip and finding some chick to bring home to play with her for a few days before releasing her. Off you go to a beach party by yourself and then... there's complications."

The game just starts with no exposition, no context, I plan to include all the relevant background during conversations when appropriate. "Show, don't tell", etc. I try to avoid narration, the "scene_swap" lines in the rpy file are placeholders that describe what images will go in for the scenes. The MC starts in a tense situation with no background, which turns sexy, and the story will get more involved from there. The script for the first part of chapter 1 is attached.

Both the MC and the two current girls are on holiday to get it on in kinky ways, so the action is moving fairly fast. MC is hungover, so acting somewhat brainless at the start is on purpose, but should be less so later. Other girls who will join later will be more challenging. How's the writing? Any tips would be appreciated. Eventually, I should be ok with the coding and the art, but I have no idea about the writing. That said, tips/comments on the code and art are welcome as well.

I haven't drawn images for the game yet but I intend to draw everything by hand in a style I like - fairly unpolished, with realistic proportions and stylized lines, something like these

You must be registered to see the links

,

You must be registered to see the links

. I'm thinking on iterating on the writing before doing much drawing.

Also, I was wondering about a Patreon, is there any point in creating one before v0.1 of the game? Maybe supporters could make early choices like picking outfits for the girls, positions, etc, that would get drawn, but it seems unreasonable to expect any supporters before at least one version is out.

 

[n00bi]

Also, I was wondering about a Patreon, is there any point in creating one before v0.1 of the game? Maybe supporters could make early choices like picking outfits for the girls, positions, etc, that would get drawn, but it seems unreasonable to expect any supporters before at least one version is out.

No, why would you create a patreon page without having actual content?.
And it sounds like you dont have a clear plan of how you want to game to be as you want the "players to make the story"
by allowing them to "vote on stuff" or how you plan on doing it with clothing and positions etc. sound more like a patreon milking project.

Get the story fully done. spend some time on writing an actual story. or get a 2nd person involved who knows how to write storys.
Write up how you want the scenes to be. (scene script) etc.
use excel or something to manage it all.

If you want patreons, you have to give them content.
Just an idea and a somewhat a story for a game is not good enough.

 

[osanaiko]

Hi, I'm doing my first game and I'd highly appreciate feedback and tips on the writing I've done so far. Negative/constructive feedback is great.

<SNIP>

Also, I was wondering about a Patreon, is there any point in creating one before v0.1 of the game? Maybe supporters could make early choices like picking outfits for the girls, positions, etc, that would get drawn, but it seems unreasonable to expect any supporters before at least one version is out.

As noobi said, it is far to early for a patreon. However, you can get feedback and possibly secure some early goodwill/future supporters by doing a "dev thread" here on F95. See the first link in my signature for an example.

I'll take a quick look at your writing and give some feedback. Are you happy to receive it out in public, or would you prefer it to in a private messaage?

 

[kittytrainr]

Thank you for the replies n00bi , osanaiko.

I've seen advice on setting up Patreon early, that's why I was asking. I wanted to double check that this is too early, thank you for pointing that out. There's no intention to milk the Patreon once it's there, or to let it drive the story, it's more like pencil skirt vs wide-leg trousers for a scene, a bit less feet or a bit more feet, etc. I get how it may give that impression though.

I have an unwritten outline for the story which changes as I flesh out the characters more. I like writing dialogue/conversations directly in renpy and I wanted to ask for opinions on the writing as early as possible, to hopefully improve at it faster.

Osanaiko, I'm happy with getting the feedback in public. Bigger points as well as nitpicks are welcome, anything I could improve on. I'll make a dev thread after some more writing and a few images, thank you for the suggestion.

 

[osanaiko]

Osanaiko, I'm happy with getting the feedback in public. Bigger points as well as nitpicks are welcome, anything I could improve on. I'll make a dev thread after some more writing and a few images, thank you for the suggestion.

Okay, here's the notes I wrote:

Spoiler

You don't have permission to view the spoiler content. Log in or register now.

 

[kittytrainr]

Thank you osanaiko !! Honest and blunt feedback is the best feedback.

Many useful and valid points. I'll start reading stuff out loud. I play the script in RenPy to try to catch unnatural lines but I imagine reading it aloud as I play would work better.

Your version of the game overview reads so much better. The meaning is a bit different, but that only shows I didn't manage to convey what I meant to well enough. In an effort to avoid purple prose I overdo it by writing too little and too dryly, I'll pay attention to that. The other rewrites read much better too and show me my English needs more work than I thought! Hopefully this will improve by trying to write more correctly and lively rather than as concisely as possible.

As for the logic of the setup and Lil's behavior, I think they would make sense but I need to show better what's going on. I meant it to be somewhat disorienting at the start but it's good to know it doesn't quite work. MC went to a beach party, got wasted and ended up in a launging chair at a random beach house, while Lil and Ann rented and arrived at said beach house for the weekend for some kink play. So they think he's an intruder. Lil's behavior is influenced by the role play she does as a brat - being impulsive, extreme, reckless, counting on Ann to reign her in and control her. All this was meant to eventually be exposed through dialogue, but I guess I need to show it earlier.

In general, is it ok for characters to do things that don't make much sense, as long as their behavior is contextualised later and then it all makes sense? I like stuff like that but maybe it's mostly only interesting if you know all the details from the start. Also, is there a particular book or resource that you'd recommend for improving dialogue flow / conversations for VNs?